I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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