dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
