Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
