Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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