I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Welp...herpes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't turn off my feet"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
