I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
