did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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