Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
