Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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