worst night to have a conscience
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
