I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
