Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
