I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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