You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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