ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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