before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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