I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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