just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
