she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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