Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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