tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
