I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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