he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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