me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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