Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
