I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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