you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
