My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
