So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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