I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
