Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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