He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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