Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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