Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
