Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
