hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am mentally ready for anal.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
