the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
