I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
