You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
