and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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