The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
