He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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