JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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