I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
