I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
