he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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