Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
