i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
