she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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