Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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