I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm bleeding and have questions
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
