Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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