Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
