so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
