i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
