The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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