Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
