dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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