Define "chronic" masturbator.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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