Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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