I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
